Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners once more.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear like hard work, frequently causing lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you might meet someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the worth of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist practices as a American therapy professional who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
